Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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