I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
