using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
