i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
