Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
