god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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