just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
