I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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