I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
