The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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