My sheets look like a crime scene.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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