Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
