At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
