I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
