the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
