he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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