I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
