who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
