how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
