Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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