This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
