My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
