she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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