First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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