Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
BRING THE BAGELS
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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