i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
