I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
