i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
