When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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