Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
