Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
