I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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