I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
