He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
