I'm drive I can fine osifer
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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