When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
