My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
