I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
