I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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