TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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