You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
