I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
