My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
