What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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