i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
