someone get that fucking seahorse.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
