im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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