paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You can't special order awesome
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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