It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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