He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
