I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
