She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
